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~KillerSaya

S.E.B.
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About Me Member General Writer KillerSaya16/Female/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 2 Years
Needs Premium Membership Statistics 370 Deviations
2,137 Comments
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It Happens AgainNo matter how much I try  My efforts seem to be worthless  Alone I stand in a world full of love  I thought it was happening  I believed you were starting to love me  Then I found out you loved another  My heart had stopped  The breath in my lungs disappeared  Nothing remained but an empty shell  You were my hope  You made life worth living  And now I don't even have you  So what's the point in trying anymore?  No matter how much I try  I'm just always going to be alone It Happens Again
by ~KillerSaya
Believing Lying DreamsI thought it'd be different  It'd be the start of something new  We'd be close like in my dreams  But I guess my dreams like lying to me  I believe something that isn't real  Something that will never be real  I thought it'd be something new  But it isn't  It's the start of something old and cold  So familiar  Too full of pain and despair  I don't want this to begin  But I could never stop it before  And I can't stop it now  If only I didn't believe my dreams Believing Lying Dreams
by ~KillerSaya
You Make It Worth LivingYou make my day worth living  Waking up in the morning  Just in hope to see your face again  Everything disappears when you're around  The only thing that matters is you near me  Lingering behind waiting for you to come  Come and hold me tight  Whether your friends judge you or not  I hope you do not listen to their judgments  You make my life worth living  I walk around just waiting to see you  Just to hold you close  I feel as if I'd do anything for you  Maybe you feel the same  But I just want you to know  You've turned my life into something meaningful You Make It Worth Living
by ~KillerSaya
Death Princess Shippuuden 58Naruto P.O.V.   
You smile and turn around. "Because I want to tell you a secret."   
Sasuke paused for a moment and blinked several times, watching you closely. It looked as if you had just thrown him off guard, which actually amazed you. All the years you knew Sasuke before he joined Orochimaru, you never once threw him off guard. He was always a bottled up individual, the complete opposite of you. But for some reason you always felt this connection to him, as if you could trust him with anything and that he was like the family you never had. Compared to the new family you entered here with Ayame, her twins, Masaki and H Death Princess Shippuuden 58
by ~KillerSaya
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Why Do I Keep Trying?

Why do I keep trying?
A little sister is what I’ll always be
No guy is ever going to think more of me
They never do
Never see how much I need someone
Never see how much I love them
But they just turn around
They say I love you, like a sister
Why does it always happen?
Am I ever going to be more than a sister?
None give me a chance
No one sees that I can be more than a sister
It’s never going to change
I keep looking and looking
Searching for someone who’s never going to come
So why do I keep trying?

~Written by S.E.B.
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Curious

Tue Oct 27, 2009, 3:07 PM
I will be randomly venting/asking for advice so if you don't want to read then I suggest you to click back.

Opinions that I really want to hear would be from straight guys and gay girls. I want those opinions most because of what I'm going to be asking, but I'll really take any opinions given. I love hearing (well reading) opinions. ^_^

Ok, so the only thing I'm curious about right now is attraction. What about me can get 10-20 online guys to "fall in love" with me but not have one real guy love me? Let alone like me? I'm not doing anything different. I act exactly the same, I think the same, I'm the same person. And I know it's not my looks because a lot of my friends say I'm cute, and I've had a few of my guy friends tell me that I'm beautiful. So thankfully, I know it's not my looks (which is something I would blame a lot but I think I've gotten over that as an excuse.)

So does anyone know why this would happen? I've been trying to see if my friend will like me if we spend more time together, and it's kind of worked. But he isn't sure because apparently he likes confident girls and all that. I mean...I'm pretty confident for a person in my situation. I will admit, my perception of life is screwed up to the end where it can't be fixed. Since I was little, I've associated physical action with love. But I know that's not correct. I'm not sure what love for someone significant is. And I do hope you know I'm not talking about family or friend love, I'm talking about love love. Anyways, so when it comes to this section of life I will admit, I don't have confidence. But it isn't my fault. My brain was rewired when I was younger and it's been like this my entire life since then.

This is where my dilemma comes to play. I've only had one boyfriend and everything was going fine until I started questioning things about myself and what I wanted. I realized I wanted more of a physical relationship instead of a cuddly, friendly, easy-going relationship. But once he started to come out of his shy shell and get a little more physical with me, I got scared and pushed him away and ended up breaking up with him. I want a cuddly, friendly, easy-going relationship WITH physical in it. And no, not like sex, I know I'm not ready for that. But more hugs, sitting on laps, kisses, etc. I know, I'm weird. But only I can't have that. Whenever something physical starts happening, I get scared. I know this is probably why guys in real life don't like me, but I don't know.

I know I'm probably going to need to go extra slow in this section of life and explain to my future boyfriends (if I have any) about why I am the way I am. And I'm perfectly fine with that. But I just want to know what you out there think about this. I mean...am I being completely oblivious to the reason why guys won't like me? And please don't say "maybe they're just not attracted to you" or "they don't feel that way" I'm not looking for that opinion because I've heard it hundreds of times, not only from other people but from myself as well. But can you give me an honest opinion as to why real guys won't like me but almost every online guy I meet loves me?

Thanks for all the help! Stay safe! <3 ♥ :heart:

:bulletblack: AIM: TrumpetEternal
:bulletblack: Yahoo: TrumpetEternal

8 Comments | Previous Journal Entries
  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: Skillet
  • Reading: words
  • Watching: the screen?
  • Drinking: Orange Soda

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: My house in New Hampshire
  • deviantWEAR sizing preference: Small/Medium
  • Interests: Tv, Writing, Drawing, Animals
  • Favourite movie: Underworld, Underworld: Evolution, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
  • Favourite band or musician: Don't really have any favorites
  • Favourite genre of music: Everything but screamo and most rap
  • Favourite artist: Don't really have any favorites
  • Favourite poet or writer: Don't really have any favorites
  • Favourite photographer: Don't really have any favorites
  • Operating System: Windows Vista?
  • MP3 player of choice: Ipod
  • Shell of choice: Turtle?
  • Wallpaper of choice: Dragons
  • Skin of choice: mine? O.o
  • Favourite game: Soul Calibur
  • Favourite gaming platform: PS2 at the moment
  • Favourite cartoon character: Mewtwo (cuz it's just awesome)
  • Personal Quote: Learn to accept the weaknesses

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Comments


:iconmaximum-sin:
*Maximum-Sin Oct 21, 2009, 1:12:14 PM
Thanks very much for the :+fav:

I appreciate it :)
:iconkillersaya:
~KillerSaya Oct 21, 2009, 1:15:14 PM
You're welcome ^_^

--
“Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.” ~Frances Rodman
:iconazley:
=Azley Oct 21, 2009, 12:16:44 AM
Thanks for the :+devwatch: :glomp:

Very appreciated :rose:

--
I'll find a new life and hide, if I survive
I'll find my own place in time, if I survive
I'll learn to forget the crime, if I survive
But I swear your going down if I survive!

(Hybrid - If I survive // I choose noise)
:iconkillersaya:
~KillerSaya Oct 21, 2009, 1:10:02 PM
You're very welcome! ^_^

--
“Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.” ~Frances Rodman
:iconwojo55:
~Wojo55 Oct 6, 2009, 6:56:23 AM
About your avatar..."Always the friend, never the girl."

One day you will find that the best loves in your life start out as friendships. There is nothing better than a true friend. The woman I fell in love with unconditionally for my entire life and was the love of my life started out as my friend.

She died 8 years ago and I will miss her for the rest of my days. But my love for her never wavered nor ever will.

--
I still have an overactive imagination.
:iconkillersaya:
~KillerSaya Oct 6, 2009, 10:47:15 AM
Yeah I know but see, I'm always the friend. No, I take that back, I'm always the sister. I'm the sister to all my guy friends and they don't ever think of me differently, and they won't. I know this for a fact, and I'm horrible at making friends so I'm probably not going to make another guy friend. I've tried seeing if some of my guy friends that I've ended up liking, like me. But the answer is always no. And then things usually get awkward. So yeah...I know it'll happen one day but I am kind of hoping it'd happen before I turn like...40 or something like that.

--
“Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.” ~Frances Rodman
:iconlord-kevinz:
=Lord-Kevinz Oct 2, 2009, 9:30:15 PM
thank you for the fave

--
i'm not afraid to die. but i'm afraid to dry./

"Je ne suis pas d’accord avec ce que vous dites, mais je me
battrai jusqu’? la mort pour que vous ayez le droit de le dire"
:iconkillersaya:
~KillerSaya Oct 3, 2009, 6:30:02 AM
You're welcome ^_^

--
“Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.” ~Frances Rodman
:iconchaios:
~chaios Sep 30, 2009, 2:46:17 PM
Hayy, haven't talked to ya in awhile, how'v ya been? :]

--
Did everything just taste purple for a second...?
:iconkillersaya:
~KillerSaya Oct 1, 2009, 2:44:02 PM
Oh hey ^_^

I've been...ok I guess XD How about you?

--
“Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.” ~Frances Rodman
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